5 tips to survive online dating

from a woman who's seen it all

It’s cuffing season!

I stopped dishing out relationship advice when I realised it’s been at least three years since my last serious relationship. I have however, been online dating for close to a decade. My first online date was while I was still in a relationship. I swiped through my matches in bed with my then boyfriend, giggling about this new phenomenon. I thought our common understanding was I was on tinder to make friends (for real*). I am 28 now so I know he was hoping I’d find a girl for a threesome, what else**.

If Hinge had rankings I am pretty certain I would be topping the London (and for a couple of months the NYC) league. Here is my advice:

1. Use photos that look like you, be honest about your looks

Look, I get it. People are stupid when it comes to their aesthetic preferences. 5’3’’ women somehow demand NBA players. I am a 5’9’’ woman from Greece. Greek men are short. In high school I was taller than 80% of men in my year. Did that stop me from fancying them? Nope. It’s only when the dating apps dropped that the arbitrary number 6 made its mark. So, yes, if you are a short guy and you are suspecting that a lady will like you once she gets to know you if only you can get through the first hurdle of getting a match you are probably right. But, showing up on a date shorter than you claimed is mega Beta. I dated a guy who said he was 6’2’’ on his profile and in person he was same height as me. I don’t pay attention to these things but I know for a fact I am not 6’2’’. Men needing to be above 6’ is a women’s insecurity. That’s their problem, don’t make it your own.

Men have similar insecurities about women’s weight. They love skinny bitches. I used to have a bikini photo from when I was 23 and men would ask me if I still look like that. Actually, I don’t. I look better. I have gained muscle and lost fat. But you won’t get to see it if you ask pathetic questions. It’s demeaning. If you are a woman, definitely put a full body photo because the feeling of men looking at you up and down and seizing you up is horrible and you want to filter these men out. Short-term or long-term, the size fascists should not get laid. Unlike women, men rarely change their opinions about looks.

If someone is going to get the ick about you, you want this happening sooner and online rather than later and in the flesh. You will pick up the sinking feeling behind their hallow stare on meeting you. Avoid it.

PS It is ok to have sexual preferences but an intense preoccupation with the size of someone’s sexual partners, wether a short man or a fat woman, or whatever combination, is a sing of low self confidence. Some women feel insecure in their femininity unless they are dating a gorilla. Some men feel insecure in their masculinity unless they are dating a woman that looks fragile and delicate. If you are a lady and worried about wearing heels with your short date, worry not. I don’t have these issues. I wear heels with my short dates, it brings their face right where it needs to be.

2. If you are an 8 or bellow you need volume, if you are a 10 you need discipline

On paper I am a 10. Not in real life. In real life I am someone you want to hire more than you want to fuck, and that’s confusing for most men. I am also 5’9’’ with biceps bigger than many men’s calfs so if you are a heterosexual it’s a hit or miss. I also write sentences like the one you just read, this can be a dealbreaker.

On dating apps I need to be disciplined. 99% men who come across my profile will like it. They will not spent any time considering my red flags and obvious discrepancies on interests/tastes/communication style.

I have to be the adult in the chat or else I could spend the rest of my life meeting men who obviously hate people like me. What I do instead is I don’t overwhelm myself with swiping. I only accept or reject a few likes at a time and do not do another round till I have talked to all the men I have matched with and determined if I like any of them enough to meet them in real life. I look for common interests and similar styles of communication. I talk and text a lot so I like men who can engage as much as I do. If they don’t use correct grammar and form full sentences then the date won’t go well.

Now in real life you can be God’s favourite child, but if on paper you are an 8 or bellow you need a different strategy. You need volume. The least attractive you look on photos, the more volume you need. That’s a blessing in disguise. You may strike gold with one match while the rest of us photogenic beasts have to swipe through thousands of trolls to get a normal date, let alone a -lol- boyfriend. For normies online dating is a numbers game. Be patient and brave.

3. Don’t unmatch people if they don’t respond

Especially if you are a guy. Women get tons of matches and are often overwhelmed. If you unmatch you look insecure and like you got annoyed at a stranger. Time is elastic online. A month is like a day. Someone may be on and off the apps and may come back to you eventually.

4. Definitely swipe right on people you already know (if you fancy them, that is)

It sounds like a bold move but can smoothly be interpreted as a friendly gesture if you think you misjudged the vibe. I used to match with guys I knew and send a friendly text thinking it is perfectly appropriate that they send me a like, as we know each other, but nothing should come out from it. On the other hand, if they are interested then they will be thrilled you liked them.

5. There are no rules about what to write on your profile

A normal, attractive, girl-next-door type friend of mine recently showed me her hinge profile. She responded to one of the prompts that asked to finish the sentence ‘I get along best with people who…’ with ‘don’t take themselves too seriously’. I screamed when I read it. I was two glasses of wine and one margarita in, too tipsy to spare her feelings. Her profile was so… boring.

This friend is what in internet/pop psych lingo we would refer to as securely attached. Mentally sane, far away from the pixie manic girl/BPD hoe that is rampant on dating apps. But still hot. Girlfriend material.

On reflection, many of my friends who are like that friend have similarly insufferably boring dating profiles- which don’t last because within a few months they find themselves in another committed relationship.

My dating profile on the other hand, and my instagram presence, is a feast for the eyes. My therapist recommended to me sometime ago that If I want to stop attracting narcissists I need to stop presenting like one. There is something in that.

So I guess, don’t take mine or anyone else’s advice at heart about what to write or not write on your profile, as long as it is an accurate reflection of who you are, how you communicate and how you look.

What are your most common online dating problems? Let me know in the comments and I may write a post about them.

Happy hunting lovers!

*I genuinely made friends for the first couple of years of using tinder, and further down the line with men with whom I did not share a sexual spark. Join any of my parties and there will always be a handful of men with dubious stories about how they met me. Ask me after my third G&T and I will tell you, I met them on tinder/hinge.

**Remind me to write a post about men, threesomes and casual sex.