94 practical and emotional optimisers
I know you all want to be told what to do
The transition from age 20 to age 30 is brutal, both mentally and physically. Many people leave their prime behind while others only now enter it. The former become older and heavier not in body but in spirit. I am going through a second puberty and am skinnier than I was in uni, so you should obviously listen to me.
I have padded out my hysterical advice with milquetoast (but effective) tips so that only those of you with enough dopamine to read the whole thing get them. I don’t want every zombie normie freaking out in the comments section.
People either pursue an interesting or a happy life (that does not mean you are either boring or miserable; it means these values guide your decision-making). Penelope Trunk has a test I came across years ago. People who fall in the ‘interesting’ camp move away from family for career reasons, are maximisers of looks, status and experiences, have strong opinions and diverse friendship groups, are interested in experimenting and are predisposed to melancholy. Happy people want to be content. Interesting people suffer from existential angst. People who are great at something are obsessives to the detriment of ‘happiness’.
The pursuit of happiness alone will make you miserable. Happiness is the by-product of pursuing loftier goals.
Find the perfect word; don’t be lazy in speech or writing. People long to be described accurately.
You earn the right to be yourself by consistently withstanding people’s reactions to you.
Use everything. Don’t save outfits, stories, or bottles of wine. Don’t worry about using garments that stain easily if you love them. White looks lovely on tanned skin.
I guarantee you will fall in love with anyone you give your undivided attention to. If you struggle to enjoy human interactions, pay closer attention. Nobody is boring.
All villains are redeemable. Even you.
Take as much career risk as your health allows, not as much risk as your anxiety dictates is safe. If your genes survived past the 21st century, it is highly unlikely you are wired to enjoy a mundane life. I know many rich, depressed lawyers.
If your parents can afford to pay your rent you have 0 excuses for not living a creative life.
If not, know that art craves boundaries. Art loves nothing more than a deadline and no desk to write on. Adversity gives you stories. Every great artist had a struggle. Nobody cries looking at nepo babies taping rotting fruit on a canvas.
Arguing with someone can be a sign of respect. Someone respects you enough to think they can reason with you and are confident enough in their relationship with you to know it can withstand disagreement. Confrontation is a net positive.
All people have something interesting to tell you if only you know to ask the right questions. My favourites are:
What were you like in high school?
What’s your favourite dish/movie and why?
What’s your zodiac sign (confirm whether the characteristics of their sign are true for them)?
What’s your relationship with your family like?
Many people want to be writers, but not many people want to spend hours and days typing alone. The same goes for all professions, arts, hobbies.
Find the exquisite pleasure in a broken heart. Like a baby tooth hanging by its last ligament, the heart yearns to be pulled apart. Some people are melancholic by nature. Those who fight this nature tend to become depressed easily. Those of us who embrace it write really good love letters.
There is only one way to be loved for who you are: to be hated for who you are not. It is better to have 10 people who hate you and 10 who love you than 20 who don’t feel anything when they see a photo of your 4-year-old self in striped pyjamas bouncing on Santa’s knee.
Looking sexy is incompatible with looking uncomfortable, and this applies to both men and women. However, sometimes you need to be a little cold. Never wear tights with over-the-knee boots. The girls from the North have a point.
Walk everywhere and eat a lot of protein. That’s the secret to a ‘high metabolism’.
Nuts and legumes and don’t have enough protein: eat skyr, greek yoghurt, white fish, chicken, venison and other wild meats (lower in fat and higher in protein), tuna and shrimp. If you need a snack and are on the go, buy a tab of cottage cheese and eat it with a spoon like a yoghurt. If you want it to be sweet, buy the pineapple-flavoured one.
The sooner you learn not to care about people staring at you, the more productive, joyful and easy your life will become. Whether eating a tub of cottage cheese on the bus or wearing your Pikatsu onesie to the corner shop, there is great pleasure in the confidence to ignore society’s unwritten rules.
“People are always angry at anyone who chooses very individual standards for his life; because of the extraordinary treatment which that man grants to himself, they feel degraded, like ordinary beings.” — Friedrich Nietzsche