Since the pandemic I have been posting more and more manosphere influenced dating advice on my instagram. I am concerned about the death of flirting, the high standards both men and women demand of each other, the unrealistic expectations, the hollowness of online dating apps. How nobody has sex anymore.
More than once I had male left wing friends reach out. How do you flirt post #MeToo? It’s a question that on the wrong ears could trigger contempt. But people’s weaknesses are safe with me, I am an old soul craving redemption (and an ENFP).
I will attempt to help with this dating predicament, by laying the context and giving some advice.
At it’s heart, this is a fear of exposure. You are afraid to say what you think and what you want.
I sympathise with that feeling, I am going through the same at the moment, writing this Substack. A friendly acquaintance of mine who works for the Spectator messaged me yesterday to say he enjoyed my last post. He said he subscribed so he won’t miss any of them. I was flattered but also painfully aware that a journalist for a right wing publication now has rows of text of my personal life neatly stored in his gmail. I could be writing these blogs in my diary but it wouldn’t count. Long-term followers of my instagram account will attest, I am an exhibititionist. Like Tinker Bell, I die when people don’t believe in me.
Men presumably eventually have the same problem, sex with themselves gets old, they want to branch out to other humans. If they are left wing, they may have overreached after #MeToo and now see masculine energy/libido as something destructive to be contained at all times. They have been urged enough times to ask themselves ‘are we the badies?’ so they are extra aware they are being watched. Their messages are screenshoted. Their emoji reactions catalogued. Their names may appear on spreadsheets. They know because they’ve been privy to these group chats before. Maybe they even took part in the stoning, indignant rage burning in their eyes ‘castrate the infidel!! he doesn’t feminist as hard or as fast as I do, I feminist like a porn star!!’. I hope I can assuage some of these fears in this post.
My relationship with left wing men is complicated. I prefer a conservative approach to dating. No ‘u up’ texts, no ‘Netflix and chill’. Drinks and dinner. Walk me home. No sex on the first or second date. Text me to say thanks for the lovely night. You want to pay for my drink? Don’t let me stop you. You want to buy me flowers? My vase is empty baby, fill it. My ideal guys dress something like this: shirt in one of the 4 approved colours (white, pale pink, baby blue, navy), dark jeans or trousers, black coat or waxed jacket. My favourite position is missionary with a man I love. That’s it, don’t reinvent the wheel.
I’d have liked to date more left wing guys- hate sex can only take a relationship so far- but the ones I did treated me like a mate. I remember working in Parliament and I matched with another researcher on hinge. He said ‘let’s hit the pub’. I said sure, love a good pub. We had a nice chat and a few pints, then I needed to head off. As we were leaving the establishment he looked at me sheepishly and grinned ‘let me know if you want to get pissed again soon’. I did not.
For some men a more egalitarian approach to dating means they don’t have access to the tools of flirting. The self-pity that results from conditioning yourself to see yourself as a potential predator ruins the erotic mood. Here’s what I think it boils down to though:
When you are scared of flirting with a woman it comes across as lack of charm/charisma, not abundance of feminism.
# MeToo is just another layer of social nuance that you have to go through. The highly socially skilled amongst you are not paralysed by it. If you are paralysed by it you have already lost half the battle, flirting is about confidence.
If you don’t know if a woman is interested one good way to gauge compatibility and attraction is by becoming friends. Also, compliments go a long way and help pick up on someone’s interest in a non-threatening way.
In the end, however, you just need to jump. You need to say ‘you look amazing in that dress’ and ‘I’d love to take you out for dinner’ or ‘what does that mouth …JK!!!!
Don’t say that.
But do say something. It can be hot or it can be lovely, but say something.
The only left wing men I fancied enough scored high on dark triad characteristics and I was young enough to fall for that. At the moment I can only recall one left wing man that lingered on my mind for long enough, and he looked like a chiseled cherub.
I never fancied a guy because I saw how tortured he was by the quest of finding the most feminist dating strategy. That comes across like a guy who is anxious, with low self confidence and it’s a shame if left-wing men wallow in self-pity to be better allies.
I previously posted about an encounter I had while running in Greece. A guy stopped me in his car to ask for my number. He was polite and presentable, he mentioned he saw me in his car just as I was going back and did a u-turn to catch up with me. My instinctive reaction was to reject him. I am used to being on guard when unknown men stop me outside. They often hit on me in a leery way or become aggressive the moment I say no. In my first year in London I had a van full of men chase me across soho in the early hours of a Saturday bellowing ‘get back in here you bitch’ after I politely declined an invitation to a ‘party’. That experience followed me for a long time. But now I am older I don’t want to be afraid of #AllMen all the time. I want to live and love.
Other women feel the same. If they are into men, eventually they want and need men to approach them, politely, tactfully, with low expectations. When I posted about the encounter above on my instagram one friend commented that he should have known I would think I am about to get murdered. That’s her view and I used to feel the same but now I am taking a step back, I have limited men’s access to my digits enough. Another one commended to say she always gives her number when a guy asks her out. She concluded that if someone liked her enough to ask she can give him a chance, and can decide if she is into him or not later. You could come across the first girl and feel embarrassed that you made someone feel uncomfortable, but remember, the second one exists too.
In any case, stopping a stranger who is on a run is an extreme example and I would advice against it. Especially in London, people are training for marathons and running to their 9-5s or their 7-11s and they live in London so chances are they don’t know how to flirt or accept flirting coming their way- morning commute does weird things to your brain. Asking someone out from your wider network or someone you meet in an event is different.
Deep down, you already know, you are not afraid that you will commit a predatory act, you are afraid you will be rejected. The contexts in which left wing men tell me they feel scared to make a move are milk toast situations with no dubious power dynamics.
Usually it’s a girl who is into the same nerdy groups they are in. The fear then, is not that you will be sexist if you ask her out for a drink because asking someone out is not a sexist offence. The fear is that your interest is not shared with her and/or you will be ridiculed by your wider network for expressing said interest. So you send a fire emoji instead, which gives you no feedback on how she is feeling. And maybe you continue sending fire emojis till she overreacts and drunkenly shares with her mates ‘lololol he is thirsty’ so you interpret that to mean that you must never show interest again because it’s creepy.
What really happened is you expressed interest in an immature way and you got an immature response in return. It’s a lose lose situation and the suffragettes will be turning in their graves if the result of centuries of feminism leads us to the point where instead of men asking us out they resolve to tip toeing around our social media till everyones’ heart becomes as brittle as the pavements I pound on my runs.
It's hard putting yourself out there. Declaring intent and interest makes you vulnerable, I know. I am writing this blog against my best judgement and survival instincts. It’s starting to sound a lot like a sex column and the daily mail headlines are practically writing themselves at this point. I do it because I want to write and damn it left wing man if you want to fuck you need to do the same!
When the time comes, and the whatsapp groups roar with screenshots of your innocent but failed flirting attempts I will defend you. What’s so bad about a comrade flirting, sister, I will ask. Flesh is weak even when principles are strong.
For a lot of human males, feministing is just Nice Guy 2.0.
"See what an ally I am now please grant me entrance into your vazhin!"
How to flirt post #MeToo:
Step 1: strike up a conversation with your hot blogger friend about how to flirt post #MeToo
Step 2: ????
Step 3: sex