I don’t exaggerate when I say I reach my New Year’s resolutions every year. My goals are performance and wellness related. Get a new job, get shredded, pick up painting again, fight my first Muay Thai fight etc. I never had to goad myself to be disciplined in these pursuits because I convinced myself from a young age that I am a very! disciplined! person! However, I have run out of things I want to do that require discipline - let me explain.
I recently dated an INTJ who works for McKinsey so is very into his Myers Briggs personality types. For many years I convinced myself I was an ENTJ.
ENTJs are very rare, less than 3% of the population. They are natural-born leaders and almost all CEOs of FTSE 100 fall into that type. They embody charisma and confidence, and project authority in a way that draws crowds together behind a common goal.
I fancied myself that way when I was younger. I was convinced I was ruthless. I loved public speaking when most of my peers shied away from it. Unlike most confused teenagers I was certain of what I wanted to do in my life- get into politics.
The INTJ I mentioned pointed out a framed photo I have on my bedroom wall of one of Jenny Holzer’s inflammatory essays:
I first came across it on Tumblr as an anxious teen. I thought I was reading my own voice and copied the text in many of my notebooks. I saw it in Tate Modern again last year, pandemic behind me, with all the self-discovery that brought, and a year into therapy and chuckled - god bless me, for a virgin I sure thought I was tough.
Detaching myself from identifying as a high achiever is a process. I have been back home for the holidays and wanted to take this opportunity to sample the men in my home town. I went for a run and a guy stopped me to ask my number- he wasn’t threatening, it was broad daylight. My claws came out - my Apple Watch was measuring my pace, a stop was fatal. I send him on his way annoyed.
Then it hit me. I value flirting more than I value a good running time. In fact, the thing I love the most about my gym is my friends, and the men we ogle together, but mostly the friends. Same goes for all my other pursuits. I got myself teary eyed on the tube some months ago when I realised that for me my greatest achievement is I have more friends and my fingers dipped in more real life social networks, than anyone else I know.
I redid the test, with more patience and time. I am an ENFP, indisputably so.
ENFPs are creative, charismatic, idealistic and enthusiastic. They value people and human relationships above all else. They are the ‘campaigners’.
My internal ENFP has been bullied for years by the ENTJ mask I created in my tumultuous adolescence. I wanted to want to be someone who wins elections, but in truth I just wanted people to vote for me.
Many of you are still angling for goals that will make you miserable. As a recovering ENFP who has amassed goal-setting skills from years of masking as an ENTJ I have created the following list for better New Years resolutions.
Do things that feel good in the moment
Less like ordering take away. More like fucking.
I am not even joking. The reason people sign up to the gym and never show up is because they hate being in that gym. I always tell people to go to the most expensive, luxurious gym they can afford, one you love walking into and being seen walking out of. If you don’t enjoy the process you won’t do it. Your future self is no less hedonistic and attracted to low brow tastes than your current one. Carrot. Stick.
Don’t resolve to do the same thing every year
If your goal is to lose 20 pounds for the 8th year in a row, guess what.
Have some self-respect!!!!!1!1! If you wanted to, you would have. Make peace with what you *really* want. Most people use things in the NY resolutions that are pure distructions from what they really want. Mostly what we really want is connection, approval, respect - and I am not just saying that because I am an ENFP. Use previous years’ resolutions to illuminate your true desires. What did you think a slim body or a higher salary would get you that motivated to want it? (90% of the time the answer is hot sex, I will teach you how to get that in a future post).
Delegate your resolution setting
You probably don’t know yourself well enough to know what you need to do. That’s why so many resolutions fall off the mark. Find a friend who is observant, emotionally intelligent and caring and ask them what blindspot you have that would instantly improve your life. It’s probably something you are afraid of doing but deep down know you need to. Like ending a situationship or leaving the job you complain about every day. For many of you it is eating more vegetables and sleeping 8 hours a night.
Treat yourself like you are the person responsible to help you
Swap the roles of number 3, if you were your best friend or your treasured child and you took one look at your life, what would you urge yourself to change? It’s Solomon's Paradox. We're better at solving other people's problems than our own. If you want to be objective, emotionally detach yourself. To achieve this, address yourself in the third person.
As for me, my New Year’s Resolution is the following:
Get to grips with the fact that I am less badass and much nicer than I thought
Spend more time with my friends
I am successful and fit enough, but won’t ever tire of spending time with my friends.
Looking forward to trying these tips as the new year is in a month and I'm an ENFP too.
Beautifully put.