On ending dates early
‘Spare 5 quid please’ the lady in the bright yellow vest quipped at the English man I just met for a pint after exchanging pleasantries on Hinge.
‘I am so sorry I don’t carry cash’ he said, blood flushing through his cheeks.
‘I have a card machine’ she responded assertively, like an American waitress pointing to the ATM when you run out of tipping money.
‘Oh, ok then’ he resigned.
My eyes were already on a journey to my forehead, when I saw him pulling his card out and tapping without another question (which organisation do you represent? what is this money being used for? are you a terrorist?) they were rolling down my back.
‘Erm do you know what she was fundraising for?’
‘No’
‘She could have been from the ‘legalise human sacrifice’ campaign for all you know’
‘I guess so, didn’t think about it haha’
There was no point in trying to conceal my distorted face. Showing my emotions is as ingrained in my culture (Greek) as being pathetic at saying no is in his. He looked embarrassed- as he should be.
Gracefully, I put him out of his misery:
‘Shall we make a move?’
We agree and I sent him on his way. There was no point in continuing the date. I found his submissiveness and lack of assertiveness to be not only highly anti-erotic but also a liability for any short or long-term relationship. In return, I am sure he must have felt emasculated from my reactions- again, as he should. The real charitable act in that date was my decisiveness in ending it before a second drink, not his blindly parting from his 5 quid to fund children sacrifices in the Western Sahara. Even though he had paid for the first round, and as a Good Immigrant, I pay my respects to the rounds system with devotion, it was kinder to skip my turn. Every extra minute we spend with each other my resentment grew, and his confidence cowered.
So should you leave dates early? Tactfully, gracefully, yes.
I have had people leave me after one drink, if you are not on the same page it hurts. If you are sure you are not attracted to the person you should leave. I am against lying, don’t pretend your sister called you and is upset like one guy did to me years ago. The lie was obvious and I felt like I was being taken for an idiot, having to play along with his obvious lie, asking him if his sister is ok etc. Say thanks for meeting, shall we head off now? If you liked something about your discussion or the person, mention it. Wish them luck with whatever endeavours they shared with, then send them on their way. You could also schedule a coffee date or walk first instead of a drink, to avoid the awkwardness of the swift exit. For some people not going for a drink is not giving the other person a fair hearing so think about what’s the best setting for you to get to know someone.
My final point on leaving dates early is that if you are going to use dating apps- and if you live in a city like London you must- the chances of meeting someone with whom you can have an enjoyable time for a whole night are low. You will have to go for volume. If you want to retain your will to live you cannot give multiple hours to every person you meet- I say this from experience. You will burn out, you will stop being fun on dates. Be stingy with your energy but generous with your manners.