If I had to add a corollary to #10, it's that time and attention still reign supreme. Too much is made of 'opportunity cost' when you have money, and everybody assumes everyone is catatonically 'busy' all the time. Spending a couple hours listening to a friend work through their problems or helping them move is valuable well beyond what a person makes on a per hour basis - far more than picking up the tab, or gifting someone something out of their usual price range.
oh I completely agree, it is more meaningful too, but the picking up the tab for me it's more about taking the decision to include your friends in your life and making that possible when you know the alternative is them staying home
I'd add that there are two kinds of wealth. Quiet wealth that enables one to be generous, and to experience interesting things. And conspicuous consumption / wealth that has negative externalities.
The former should be manageable between friends. The latter is nasty. I don't want to be friends with a person who drives a large SUV alone, who goes on spring breaks to the Maledives, who owns a second flat or a house that is empty 11 months a year -- just to name a few obnoxious habits. It's not only that society is paying / I am paying for their excess, but that mindless consumption makes a person really boring.
yeap, I completely agree, I also find waste tasteless. And what's the point of having massive villas and yachts if you are to use them by yourself? or even at a lower level, what's the point of you being able to afford nicer food if you are only ever cooking for the friends who managed to reach your own earning level.
This just started to be an issue for me. I’ve been one of the superpoors all my life, and have entered the shaky middle class in the last few years. Because of my profession I’m surrounded mostly by people who come from upper middle class or even more and are currently (and always will be) way ahead of me financially. I immigrated so I’ve lost the folks with the same background as me. It’s so lonely, and honestly even if these practicalities we manage somehow, it just doesn’t work as there is very little foundational shared experience. I’ve spent the last year pondering this and feeling trapped socially.
That is hard, moving away makes it doubly so. common career doesn't mean you have something to bond over either if you entered it through different paths and rely on it for different reasons, going different places etc. What's your industry? I hope you don't give up, most people feel lonely at one time or another and are grateful for human attention. Even the lovely and rich warm up to being socially desirable. We all have something someone else wants, even if that's just our attention.
I move between STEM academia and research-like engineering jobs. I know there are plenty of people entering and staying in the field that share my type of background, but statistically it’s not common and it’s so rare to find. I’m in my early thirties and I hope to build up some wealth towards my early 40s, especially since I already have a school aged child and I’m more “free” to do so. I have spent the last few years dabbling around part-time when possible because of childcare(and studying more), so of course it has profound financial effects. I’m trying to, as to say, offer something and fit in, it works so-so. Mostly I feel uncomfortable opening up about my realities, which then doesn’t allow the whole friendship process. I liked your pragmatic approach very much, I believe we should build this kind of competence to be with each other despite income and background.
You sound like a power woman, I imagine people who have hassled less not knowing how to reach through to you. what you are saying about not being to fully disclose your reality blocking a relationship is something so so common that a lot of people do but are not conscious of, not just in friendships but in romantic relationships too.
I’ve always been anti-rich as I grew up with people who worship it. Now I’m absolutely skint and in debt thanks in part to that mindset that said money is bad but also due to a year of illness. After lots of mindset work I now vaguely budget, attempt not to spend frivolously, will get out of debt asap now well enough to work again and will continue to worship avocado and eggs while prioritising health above all in my new budget. Enjoyed your post.
I am glad you are finding a balance. I agree that mindset can be a bit of a trap, and to be honest, I think that's why it's a good idea to have friends from all sorts of backgrounds around so that you have your eyes open and pick and choose good and bad habits. But to think that poor people don't deserve to ever treat themselves shows people think poor people deserve to suffer. Thanks for reading!
Love this - my rule tends to be if someone doesn’t know if they’re rich or poor they’re almost certainly rich, and I work from there that they’re pretty unaware as well…
I like your delineation of the striving middle class from the one above it (generational wealth but not outright riches). Is it original? I think there is an interesting distinction between those who came from homes where there was always food on the table and they enjoyed the privilege of a good education but there was no free car or the gift of a mortgage deposit to kickstart adulthood. It’s a distinction that can get lost when all you see is the current career and salary.
I agree and I don't see people talking about it much in popular culture, many people who make good salaries live pay check to pay check and it can be financially ruinous for them to try to emulate the life style of other people in their industry who have a cosy background
Love this! It’s so hard to go out with friends sometimes, not just because of different wealth but also how everyone spends their money differently/values different things. I love the advice to choose a less expensive place or to treat friends!
There’s also a lot to be said about status gaps in friendships, independent of money. I find what relative “success” I’ve found thus far in life already has a noticeable effect on some relationships from earlier phases of life, even though I am still rather poor at this point. Just the awareness that our trajectories have diverged puts some distance between us.
I have the same with friends from back home, similar feelings of awkwardness and isolation show up, wouldn't it be nice if we could confront them head on
regarding the bonds of shared milestones you mentioned, I've noted due to moving around to other cultures/countries how even when you are able to speak the local language, there is a void between the interloper and the native owed primarily to the gap in shared cultural history. It can be something as seemingly trivial as commercials or advertising campaign jingles/expressions that people grew up with. It always fascinated me how something so seemingly banal or trivial could forge such deep cultural bonds..
Stella, very wise and funny at the same time. I'm going to enjoy going back into your archive.
Thank you David, I feel equally intrigued by your 'stack and glad I stumbled upon it :-)
If I had to add a corollary to #10, it's that time and attention still reign supreme. Too much is made of 'opportunity cost' when you have money, and everybody assumes everyone is catatonically 'busy' all the time. Spending a couple hours listening to a friend work through their problems or helping them move is valuable well beyond what a person makes on a per hour basis - far more than picking up the tab, or gifting someone something out of their usual price range.
oh I completely agree, it is more meaningful too, but the picking up the tab for me it's more about taking the decision to include your friends in your life and making that possible when you know the alternative is them staying home
excellent as always!
I'd add that there are two kinds of wealth. Quiet wealth that enables one to be generous, and to experience interesting things. And conspicuous consumption / wealth that has negative externalities.
The former should be manageable between friends. The latter is nasty. I don't want to be friends with a person who drives a large SUV alone, who goes on spring breaks to the Maledives, who owns a second flat or a house that is empty 11 months a year -- just to name a few obnoxious habits. It's not only that society is paying / I am paying for their excess, but that mindless consumption makes a person really boring.
yeap, I completely agree, I also find waste tasteless. And what's the point of having massive villas and yachts if you are to use them by yourself? or even at a lower level, what's the point of you being able to afford nicer food if you are only ever cooking for the friends who managed to reach your own earning level.
Excellent observations!
thank you ! :)
Very good article Stella…you do have a way of breaking down complex knots into easily identifiable components. Life skill.
Thanks Anna 🙂
This just started to be an issue for me. I’ve been one of the superpoors all my life, and have entered the shaky middle class in the last few years. Because of my profession I’m surrounded mostly by people who come from upper middle class or even more and are currently (and always will be) way ahead of me financially. I immigrated so I’ve lost the folks with the same background as me. It’s so lonely, and honestly even if these practicalities we manage somehow, it just doesn’t work as there is very little foundational shared experience. I’ve spent the last year pondering this and feeling trapped socially.
That is hard, moving away makes it doubly so. common career doesn't mean you have something to bond over either if you entered it through different paths and rely on it for different reasons, going different places etc. What's your industry? I hope you don't give up, most people feel lonely at one time or another and are grateful for human attention. Even the lovely and rich warm up to being socially desirable. We all have something someone else wants, even if that's just our attention.
I move between STEM academia and research-like engineering jobs. I know there are plenty of people entering and staying in the field that share my type of background, but statistically it’s not common and it’s so rare to find. I’m in my early thirties and I hope to build up some wealth towards my early 40s, especially since I already have a school aged child and I’m more “free” to do so. I have spent the last few years dabbling around part-time when possible because of childcare(and studying more), so of course it has profound financial effects. I’m trying to, as to say, offer something and fit in, it works so-so. Mostly I feel uncomfortable opening up about my realities, which then doesn’t allow the whole friendship process. I liked your pragmatic approach very much, I believe we should build this kind of competence to be with each other despite income and background.
You sound like a power woman, I imagine people who have hassled less not knowing how to reach through to you. what you are saying about not being to fully disclose your reality blocking a relationship is something so so common that a lot of people do but are not conscious of, not just in friendships but in romantic relationships too.
Laughed hard and then donated xxx
I’ve always been anti-rich as I grew up with people who worship it. Now I’m absolutely skint and in debt thanks in part to that mindset that said money is bad but also due to a year of illness. After lots of mindset work I now vaguely budget, attempt not to spend frivolously, will get out of debt asap now well enough to work again and will continue to worship avocado and eggs while prioritising health above all in my new budget. Enjoyed your post.
I am glad you are finding a balance. I agree that mindset can be a bit of a trap, and to be honest, I think that's why it's a good idea to have friends from all sorts of backgrounds around so that you have your eyes open and pick and choose good and bad habits. But to think that poor people don't deserve to ever treat themselves shows people think poor people deserve to suffer. Thanks for reading!
#2 is so fucking real
Love this - my rule tends to be if someone doesn’t know if they’re rich or poor they’re almost certainly rich, and I work from there that they’re pretty unaware as well…
I like your delineation of the striving middle class from the one above it (generational wealth but not outright riches). Is it original? I think there is an interesting distinction between those who came from homes where there was always food on the table and they enjoyed the privilege of a good education but there was no free car or the gift of a mortgage deposit to kickstart adulthood. It’s a distinction that can get lost when all you see is the current career and salary.
I agree and I don't see people talking about it much in popular culture, many people who make good salaries live pay check to pay check and it can be financially ruinous for them to try to emulate the life style of other people in their industry who have a cosy background
With all the billionaires in existence today, there is absolutely no reason anybody should be poor.
there should be a cap, its not healthy to be too rich, for body or spirit
Too much or too little wealth can ruin lives. We know this. It's figured out already. Why don't we have an economic system that reflects this?
yeap, anyone who doesn't want this is admitting to the being ok with people starving through no fault of their own
Love this! It’s so hard to go out with friends sometimes, not just because of different wealth but also how everyone spends their money differently/values different things. I love the advice to choose a less expensive place or to treat friends!
exactly people have different values as well and again it can be enriching to ones life to keep some friends around with different values
Wow this was a great article. Thank you
thank you :-)
Such an important topic!
There’s also a lot to be said about status gaps in friendships, independent of money. I find what relative “success” I’ve found thus far in life already has a noticeable effect on some relationships from earlier phases of life, even though I am still rather poor at this point. Just the awareness that our trajectories have diverged puts some distance between us.
I have the same with friends from back home, similar feelings of awkwardness and isolation show up, wouldn't it be nice if we could confront them head on
regarding the bonds of shared milestones you mentioned, I've noted due to moving around to other cultures/countries how even when you are able to speak the local language, there is a void between the interloper and the native owed primarily to the gap in shared cultural history. It can be something as seemingly trivial as commercials or advertising campaign jingles/expressions that people grew up with. It always fascinated me how something so seemingly banal or trivial could forge such deep cultural bonds..
yeah, common reference points are priceless and so hard to recreate, the older you grow the more the people you grew up with become rarer