Powerful writing. Apologies if I’ve shared this before—I can’t remember—and I found it golden advice when I was making my own choices. My grandmother, 99 now, and until 97.5 stronger and faster and tougher than anyone else I’ve known (cotton picker as a child, army nurse, early tester of the BC pill, public health nurse who ran the polio vaccination program in her district, and she ran a 2000 acre cattle ranch by herself for 35 years after my grandfather’s death) told me this when I was about 15: when you’re ready to marry, date only men with compatible values and dreams, and then marry the best lover. If you’re not interested in marrying, don’t worry about the first part.
Celia, you couldn't have known this, but this is exactly the advice I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing. Your grandmother sounds like an amazing role model. Long may she live.
This is pure gold. And kryptonite to the eons-old racket of matchmaking, built entirely on the premise of finding the resume equal and/or safest and most unremarkable specimen out there.
My pure SWAG as to why arranged marriages by and large work in certain cultures is, because, for better or worse, your rights and responsibilities are set for you by the society you live in. If, for example, you are a middle class college-educated Tamil Catholic girl from a family of teachers and small shopkeepers, you can be plugged into a similar family and you will go in with a pretty good idea what you can expect, and what will be expected of you.
And of course, such a society expects conformity. Don't rock the boat.
> My pure SWAG as to why arranged marriages by and large work in certain cultures is, because, for better or worse, your rights and responsibilities are set for you by the society you live in
Why, where do you think the laundry list below comes from in the US and UK? One's own self chosen values?
"Someone from a similar background with equally ambitious or complementary demanding careers. Of whom mommy approves, who makes you look slim or tall. Who can hold their own at the type of place they serve chilled champagne rather than warm prosecco. Whose parents bought a flat in Canary Wharf back in the noughties".
Those are even more set by the society, and even worse, set by media, and movies, and series like SATC, and vlogs, in an anti-social, consumerist, trend-seeking manner...
I did not believe in soul mates until I met my husband. I still feel this way when his name lights up my phone (well, 90% of the time). You can embrace domestic life and still feel wildly infatuated with him. It’s a thing. Good luck with the adventure
Bless you Haley, may such love find us all. My test has always been to find someone who makes me feel how I felt when my dad returned home from work when I was a child. As soon as I heard the key, I'd bolt for the door like a puppy.
Thanks for sharing James. one observation I have is that I think the affliction you are describing (the forever desire for adventure, freedom and novelty) is something most women I know find in all the men they meet, not the other way around. I note that your examples of women are dating profiles on hinge, rather than real women who told you how they feel in real life.
Powerful writing. Apologies if I’ve shared this before—I can’t remember—and I found it golden advice when I was making my own choices. My grandmother, 99 now, and until 97.5 stronger and faster and tougher than anyone else I’ve known (cotton picker as a child, army nurse, early tester of the BC pill, public health nurse who ran the polio vaccination program in her district, and she ran a 2000 acre cattle ranch by herself for 35 years after my grandfather’s death) told me this when I was about 15: when you’re ready to marry, date only men with compatible values and dreams, and then marry the best lover. If you’re not interested in marrying, don’t worry about the first part.
Celia, you couldn't have known this, but this is exactly the advice I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing. Your grandmother sounds like an amazing role model. Long may she live.
What if you're a quadruple Leo? Or as a friend once said of her astrological chart, "Apparently this big triangle thingy means I'm fucked."
hahahaha I think you are fucked yes. Leos are too much. One in each astrological chart is enough.
This is pure gold. And kryptonite to the eons-old racket of matchmaking, built entirely on the premise of finding the resume equal and/or safest and most unremarkable specimen out there.
My pure SWAG as to why arranged marriages by and large work in certain cultures is, because, for better or worse, your rights and responsibilities are set for you by the society you live in. If, for example, you are a middle class college-educated Tamil Catholic girl from a family of teachers and small shopkeepers, you can be plugged into a similar family and you will go in with a pretty good idea what you can expect, and what will be expected of you.
And of course, such a society expects conformity. Don't rock the boat.
> My pure SWAG as to why arranged marriages by and large work in certain cultures is, because, for better or worse, your rights and responsibilities are set for you by the society you live in
Why, where do you think the laundry list below comes from in the US and UK? One's own self chosen values?
"Someone from a similar background with equally ambitious or complementary demanding careers. Of whom mommy approves, who makes you look slim or tall. Who can hold their own at the type of place they serve chilled champagne rather than warm prosecco. Whose parents bought a flat in Canary Wharf back in the noughties".
Those are even more set by the society, and even worse, set by media, and movies, and series like SATC, and vlogs, in an anti-social, consumerist, trend-seeking manner...
thank you Geoff, romantic souls need to look out for each other, we can't let the cynics win
I did not believe in soul mates until I met my husband. I still feel this way when his name lights up my phone (well, 90% of the time). You can embrace domestic life and still feel wildly infatuated with him. It’s a thing. Good luck with the adventure
Bless you Haley, may such love find us all. My test has always been to find someone who makes me feel how I felt when my dad returned home from work when I was a child. As soon as I heard the key, I'd bolt for the door like a puppy.
That’s lovely. What a beautiful imprint he made on your heart and mind. Such a blessing to have a dad like that.
I feel this on a deep soul level. Gold writing for those irrational beings among us!
It's an honour and pleasure to stir the soul of a fellow romantic!
.... I hope you find endless phantom tail wiggles with this one and for us to find out what happens next, my fellow Greek goddess :)
PS> Nothing beats a compatible relationship whatever the criteria of finding said partner may be (words of wisdom by 40-something me)
I will make sure to keep my Olympian audience updated of course! :-)
That’s viscerally powerful
thank you x
I've been doing a lot of thinking (out of necessity-not because I want to) about dating and romance and connection recently.
I think our culture is pretty fucked up on this score.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/serenity-self-indulgence
Thanks for sharing James. one observation I have is that I think the affliction you are describing (the forever desire for adventure, freedom and novelty) is something most women I know find in all the men they meet, not the other way around. I note that your examples of women are dating profiles on hinge, rather than real women who told you how they feel in real life.
Rationalist dating isn’t usually that different from normal dating. See for instance https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/theres-a-time-for-everyone. I mean our convo topics might be totally out there but aside from that.
> Rationalist dating isn’t usually that different from normal dating
Yes - but the whole premise of the post is that normal dating is already crap, and equally based on mindless laundry lists of attributes